It was a Monday morning, a sunny day in Dublin and it was just at the tail end of August 2020. The Kids wanted to go back to school to see their friends and Danny like the rest of Ireland wanted to get back to some kind of normality. The plan was that next week Enja and Kylie would go back to school. They hadn’t seen their school gates since March and Daniel hadn’t caught a glimpse of the lovely Miss O’Flyne for too many months.
The pandemic however didn’t stop people from borrowing money or wanting credit. This meant that apart from a couple of week’s holiday over the summer Danny was given permission to be out and work on the streets of Dublin during the pandemic. The Clancy and O’Clancy family debt collecting and financial services agency that had friends in strange and high places could carry on business almost as normal
The children were still in their beds while Danny sat alone in his kitchen eating his breakfast. Danny had fed and walked Bouncer, who was a pampered, well fed dog who still had no respect for him as a master and provider. Danny was now waiting for his mother Emer O’Bernstein to come in and look after the children. His mother had her own key and never stood on ceremony, she would just let herself in. Mrs. Donovan had been a little under the weather lately so she and her family were self isolating for the foreseeable future, just in case. They hadn’t been officially tested but they were on the list for a visit.
Danny checked his backpack, it’s what he what he felt he had to do every day since the pandemic started. He didn’t want run the risk of being infected or infect others and if he was stopped by the guards then they could see that he was taking all the reasonable measures required by law to go safely about his business. Danny had packed hand wipes, face wipes, and he had a box of disposable gloves along with a packet of masks. Danny also had up to six bottles of hand sanitizer and two aerosols of spray disinfectant. In his other bag he had his route plan for that day, his iPad and all his necessary stationary. Danny finished his tea and then just sat there patiently listening to the news and waited for his mother. He didn’t have to wait long, his ma loved looking after the children and they loved being spoilt by their Nanny Emer. They didn’t mind being looked after by Nanny Ra Ra, she was ok but Da’s Ma seemed to have more love to give and didn’t mind receiving it.
Nanny Ra Ra could seem a little bit disinterested or distant sometimes. The children knew that Nanny Ra Ra would always get money from Da. They never saw their Da give money to Nanny Emer.
Danny heard the key turning in his front door and Bouncer seemed to know who was coming in. He took his large frame up and walked slowly over to the front door and then sat down. As the door opened he got up, waged his large tail and barked. As Ma Bernstein came in and saw Bouncer she bent down and gave him a hug and rubbed his ears Emer O’Bernstein then reached into her handbag and said
“What have I got for you then?”
Danny’s Ma pulled out a plastic bag and in the bag there some extra long, extra wide dog biscuits. Nanny Emer took one out, pointed to the floor and then bouncer sat down bolt upright and waited patiently to be given his treat. Bouncer received his reward followed by some more loving affection from Nanny Emer. Danny couldn’t help but wonder why Bouncer was so obedient for his mother but half the time ignored every command he gave him. But Danny didn’t have time to ponder, he had to get to work. The sooner he was finished with his rounds then the sooner he was home again. Danny gave his mum a hug and she kissed him on the forehead and then she said
“Did you have any breakfast Danny?”
Danny smiled and answered
“Yes Mammy I had breakfast. Now there’s tea in the pot and you know how to reach me if there’s an emergency I’ll be off now and I’ll see yous later. Thanks Mammy and give the kids a kiss for me”
Danny then grabbed his two backpacks walked into the hallway put on his jacket and went out the front door. Bouncer didn’t move.
Danny’s day started well enough. He had appointments and collections all day without a moment to spare for lunch or a cup of tea. Danny wasn’t that keen on accepting hospitality from his clients especially in these days of quarantine and isolation. Danny just wanted to call around and go again. There had also been many times that Danny had, had embarrassing conversations and attempted seductions from men and women, as people tried to get out of paying him that month. So polite short conversations like
“Good morning, how are you today? I hope you’re keeping well”
That was good enough for Danny.
Danny would just to take his money and be on his way to his next client. To call this day special wouldn’t be doing it justice. Danny had, in fact experienced many so-called special days. He had been chased by dogs, doused in people’s urine, attacked and sworn at. There was one time a man who had claimed to be HIV positive threatened to bite him.
There had also been many a big, mean men who had stood in front of him barring Danny any access to his client. None of these things bothered Danny. If he couldn’t see his client that month then he would just put an extra charge on the loan plus a wasted call-out fee. For Danny and the O’Clancy’s it was always a win, win day.
This day was an extraordinarily busy day. It was call after call after call and he had to wait such a long time for people to answer their front doors as they went to find their masks and asked Danny to stand at least one meter from their doorsteps. Danny made one pit stop at the library to use their toilet and he popped into the One-Stop to buy some water.
Danny always worked on the premise five minutes a visit, some visits took longer while somebody counted out every single euro and cent to pay him, and this was after they found their purse and emptied all the spare change money boxes. But money was money in no matter what shape or form. There were other visits that just took a matter of seconds. They would hand Danny a cheque or cash he would tick them off his list and then off he would go to his next customer. This five minute target for every customer meant that Danny could easily visit at least fifty customers a day and he would still have time to write out new credit agreements for new lenders. But these pandemic days are special times and everything, this included pens and application forms had to be clean, sterile and God willing virus free. In many cases could just sign Danny’s iPad but most of Danny’s Clients were use to signing a form and being presented with a copy. It’s how their parents had loaned money and they saw no reason to change a procedure that had always suited their Ma and Da
Today was going to be another one of Danny’s special days; He was to visit one of his oldest customers Mrs. Mary O’Dwyer.
Mrs. O’Dwyer was an angel and a perfect client. She was ninety three years old and still as bright as a button. She still walked her dogs, still drove a car and Danny had never seen her wearing glasses. Mrs. O’Dwyer was a phenomenon and a marvel. This woman never seemed to age and everybody who knew her said that she would out live the lot of them.
Mrs. O’Dwyer was to be Danny’s last call for the day and so far the day had gone well, busy but well. The Dublin traffic had been light and every customer that day had paid him. There had been no problems, excuses or hesitation just the usual unavoidable daily delays. The local guards and the reserves all knew Danny so he was never stopped or checked. This was Danny’s last call and then home.
Danny turned on to The North Circular Road Mrs. O’Dwyer owned a large Edwardian house on one of the side roads. She had lived there ninety three years Mrs. O’Dwyer was born there and had lived there with her parents and then her husband and her two children. Every single one of them had sadly passed away. Mrs. O’Dwyer had outlived them all, but her grandchildren and Great grandchildren still came to visit.
Danny found a parking space near Mrs. O’Dwyer’s house and walked the rest of the way. He walked passed all the old election posters and noticed all the discarded election leaflets still lying crumbled on the ground. They had blown out of the overfilled street rubbish bins and street cleaning was not a priority these bizarre times. Danny looked up and saw a big billboard poster and on it was the smiling face of Declan Buckley and his slogan
“Put Ireland First!”
Danny then took the next left turning and there was Mrs. O’Dwyer’s house. The hedges were always perfect and the lawn always looked like a snooker table. The house at all times looked like it had just been newly painted. Danny could never work out why Mrs. O’Dwyer took out so many loans as she had never seemed short of money and she always paid on time and in full.
Mrs. O’Dwyer was a customer that Danny had inherited from his predecessor and she had been a client of The O’Clancy’s for many years. Danny thought to himself that maybe she just liked the company she didn’t seem to be short of money.
Danny always put Mrs. O’Dwyer at the end of his list. She was on his route home and he always enjoyed a chat with a real lady like Mrs. O’Dwyer even now behind a mask. When Danny got to the gate he noticed that Mrs. O’Dwyer’s normally beautiful gleaming windows were covered in posters and there was a big banner hanging between the top windows. It was a handwritten banner that said
“Covid is a Hoax “
On the small front lawn there were placards laid down waiting to dry in the sun. Danny approached the front door and there was a small sign saying
“Tradesmen, just push the door open and come in”
Danny was a tradesman, so he did just as the sign said. He put his hand flat on the door and tried to push the door open. The door didn’t open at first so Danny kept his hand there and then also with his other hand he pressed up against the door. There was a type of wet varnish on the door that was still a bit moist and started to feel a little warm. So Danny tried to take his hands down from the door but they were stuck, he was unable to free himself from the door. The front door had been smeared with some kind of industrial super glue. He called out
“What’s going on here? Help me I’m stuck”
Suddenly a group of faces appeared in the side window smiling and laughing at Danny and he could also hear them swearing at him. The front door opened slowly and Danny was forced by his glued hands to follow the movement of the door.
It would have been a little risky for Danny to try and pull his hands free from the door because with some types of industrial glues half the skin from your hands could remain stuck to the door. It was a better idea for him to wait for a solvent to be applied and free his hands gradually. Eventually there appeared a young man at the door, he stood there and smiled triumphantly at Danny,
“What do you want mister? You are an uninvited presence here at The Young People before Profit Dublin Headquarters. There’s a hoax being perpetrated on the good people of Ireland which we are going to expose and we don’t like government spies or lackeys coming around here to snoop”
Patrick was trying to hold his temper but it was difficult
“You little bollocks! Find me some solvent right now I don’t want to stand here all day. I’m no spy I’ve only come around her because I have private business with Mrs. O’Dwyer”
The young man answered
“Oh! So you have private business, is it? With Great Granny! Well mister we have no secrets in this family. What’s your business?
It was at that moment that Danny’s phone rang Danny thought to free his hands and then stopped, He then screamed at his phone
“Answer!”
It was his brother Patrick.
“Hello what do you want?”
“Hello Danny, It’s me Patrick”
“I know it’s you I always know when it’s you. You have a special ring tone, what do you want?”
“Come on Danny Boy don’t be like that I can ring my brother can’t I?”
“You could have rung at a worse time but right now I can’t see how. I’m stuck here talking to an eejit and now I’m talking to another one what do you want?”
“Ok I’ve got a feeling that I’ve rung you at a bad time I’ll phone you back at a better time and when you’re in a better mood I’ll bid you good day brother”
Danny Pleaded with Patrick
“No! No! Stop please don’t hang up I’m stuck here and I don’t know how long for”
Patrick answered his brother
“I know, you’re at work and you have many difficult clients but I don’t approve of you calling your customers eejits at least not to their faces, it’s rude and disrespectful”
Danny tried to stay calm as he answered Patrick
“I am super glued to a front door, that’s why I’m stuck here Patrick. It’s not business, it’s a mistaken case of espionage. Please ring and tell Ma that I might be a little late back but nothing else. Is that alright with you brother?”
“Alright Danny I got yer. I’ll call Ma and tell her. Do you want me to call the police or someone?”
Danny was very emphatic as he pleaded with Patrick
“No Patrick! Don’t call the police. They would break their hearts laughing and they’d call someone from the Echo So No Police!”
Danny ended the
“End Call”
He then glared at the young man. The young man just smiled at Danny and said
“Brother? Did you call him brother? Are you also part of a movement too or a group like?”
Danny screamed at the young man
“What? No I’m not part of any movement or group I was talking to my own flesh and blood brother. Now find me some solvent and get me free I have private business with your great grandmother.”
The young man looked a little perplexed as he said
“What solvent? I’ve never taken solvents I don’t even drink. My body is a socialist temple”
Danny answered in a calm way or as calm as he felt he could be given the circumstances
“I need you to find me a solvent so I can remove my hands from this door”
The young man suddenly seemed a little younger as he said
“Oh we’ve nothing like that, hang on I’ll ask the others”
As the young man’s words left his lips the rest of the group came to the door every one of them smiling at Danny’s predicament. The young man spoke to the assembled
“Your man here wants some solvent”
“Oh he does, does he?”
Came a voice from the crowd
“Well we haven’t got any we only had enough money for the glue”
This group of teenagers was a breakaway splinter group from the actual political party People before Profit and apart from having a very kind Great grandmother they had very little money and no resources. However they did have an agenda and trapping an unsuspecting capitalist seemed to be this group’s first act of rebellion against the state. Suddenly a slightly stronger voice could be heard from the crowd
“Listen mister if you can lend us some money I’ll cycle down to Ryman’s and buy some solvent. You’ll get it back I’ll ask great gran. We’re sorry it was only meant to be a joke”
The rest of the group looked down on the ground and said nothing. Danny had no choice. He wasn’t going to phone an ambulance or the police, if they came would just laugh. Danny pointed to his inside pocket and said
“My wallet is in my jacket pocket take out fifty and I want the change”
A fresh faced young girl came forward took out Danny’s wallet and counted out loud fifty euro’s and then put Danny’s wallet back in his pocket again, Just before she did so the young girl took a quick glance back at one of her older comrades. He just shook his head and the wallet was placed back where it belonged. All Danny could do now was to wait. The young girl asked Danny if he wanted a drink of water and Danny nodded. She went into the house and she was quickly followed back into the house by the rest of the group. As the group went back into the house, a young man appeared standing next to Danny holding his bicycle. The young man was not alone he was accompanied by a stern faced Mrs. O’Dwyer
“Oh Mr. O’Bernstein I am so sorry I was upstairs taking my afternoon nap and one of the children came in to wake me up and to tell me what had happened. Connor you get on your bike and you get back here as soon as you can. Poor Mr. O’Bernstein you children are just lucky that it’s not raining. Now go on, off you go. I’ll go back in now Mr. O’Bernstein if I may after all there’s no point us both being stuck out here is there? I’ll send one of the kids out to keep you company”
Danny was stuck to the door and alone for nearly an hour while young Connor cycled down to buy the solvent. Danny’s phone suddenly came to life again, this time with an unfamiliar ring. He called out again for his phone to answer. This time however it was his friend police sergeant Noel Turner and Noel started the conversation.
“Hello is that Danny? Of course it is. I mean who else would answer your phone? We’ve got a young lad here in the car; he says that he knows you”
Danny answered
“Yes possibly, what’s his name?”
Noel took a brief pause and said
“His name is Connor O’Dwyer and he has told us that you visiting his Great gran’s house and that you were having a little bother leaving his great gran’s house”
Danny was trying to stay calm but it was obvious to him that Connor had told Noel the whole story and that sergeant was finding amusement in his predicament. Danny answered Sergeant Turner
“Yes Noel I am having a problem leaving, now if you could send young Connor home again to his Great gran’s then I’ll be able to leave”
Noel tried to sound sympathetic as he answered Danny but at the same time he was trying to suppress his laughter.
“The problem is Danny that young Connor tried to buy a couple of bottles of solvent. He is under eighteen years old and according to local bylaws that’s illegal and that’s why the Guards were given the nod. We were in the area patrolling the streets in this area. We have to make sure that no one is out in the streets of Dublin when they shouldn’t be. Ryman’s delayed young Connor for five minutes while they found him the right change and he had to wait a little longer while they put in a new till roll. All this subterfuge meant that we could drive up to the door and nab the young scallywag as he left the shop.”
Danny was getting a little frustrated and he wanted to go the toilet and as is usual in these situations, he had an itchy nose that he really wanted to scratch, as he said
“Is there’s a point to be made then please make it soon Noel. I know that you know, what’s happened to me. I don’t want to press charges I just want to go home. I didn’t know that young Connor was not old enough to buy the solvent. Can you not just, turn a blind eye and let him go, just this once to help me out?”
Noel was not going to come around; he was not going to relent. This was an occasion when Noel was going to follow the letter of the law to its full extent So he told Danny
“No I’m sorry Danny there’s been an infringement and I can’t let it go. The only thing I can do is phone my inspector at the station and apprise him of the situation. I’ll ask him and maybe a few of the lads to come down as corroborating witnesses. I’ll ask them to film and record the whole episode because I wouldn’t want anyone to accuse me of breaking or misinterpreting the law. My constable and I will escort young Connor to his Great gran’s and I’ll get the inspector and the others to meet us at the house. I’ll ring you back with an eta. Bye Danny.”
A lot of thoughts went through Danny’s head. He knew that having such a big audience attending from the station was nothing to do with procedure or upholding the law. They just all wanted to have a good laugh.
In the meantime people from their windows or just by walking past the house, people started to notice a man stuck to a door. Pretty soon a little crowd, all socially distancing stated to gather outside Mrs. O’Dwyer’s front garden wall. A few decided to take photographs and film the proceedings. Danny wasn’t in any position to hide his face and one man was even brave enough to walk into Mrs. O’Dwyer’s garden to talk to Danny
“Are you alright there, son?”
“You seem to be having a bit of bother there”
“Shall I call you an ambulance?”
Danny muttered
“Yes, No, I’m alright”
Danny was not a man who liked attention and today he was getting plenty. Danny’s phone rang again and he gave out his usual scream
“Answer!”
It was Noel
“We’re all coordinated now Danny. We will all rendezvous at Mrs. O’Dwyer’s in ten minutes. See you then”
It took exactly ten minutes for every vehicle to arrive. It was hard for Danny, even in his position not to be impressed by this precise coordinated well planned action. Every vehicle arrived at exactly the same time and as they did so the crowd dispersed. The inspector was the first man to enter the garden. He was in accordance with health and safety rules, wearing a mask and gloves. The mask however could not hide the wide grin on his face. He put a mask over Danny’s face and then beckoned Sergeant Noel Turner to join him with the solvent, it was also hard for Noel to suppress his wide grin
The solvent was applied more than once over the next twenty minutes and finally the glue started to dissolve and Danny was free again. It was a relief to be liberated again and he ran through the front door and into Mrs. O’Dwyer’s downstairs toilet. When Danny was finished in the toilet he came out to the front garden just in time to see almost every assembled police officer put their phones back in their pockets.
Danny thanked the inspector for his assistance and the inspector just nodded and got back into his car to be driven back to the station. Sergeant Noel told Danny that unless he wanted to press charges then no further action would be taken against his young captors. Noel did however officially caution Danny for inciting a minor to break the law. He then assured Danny that he doubted that any further action would be taken against him. Noel felt sure given the circumstances that the pending charges would be dropped before they went to court. Noel then got in his car and continued his patrol of the area
Mrs. O’Dwyer tried to offer Danny some form of monetary compensation but Danny politely refused. Mrs. O’Dwyer although being a friendly woman who loved having company couldn’t understand why Danny was there in the first place.
She had asked one of her great grand children to help her set up an online bank account and a budget account. In this way all Mrs. O’Dwyer’s bills including Clancy and O’Clancy would be paid online every month. This was to avoid too many personal callers or unnecessary trips to the Bank in these exceptional times. Danny could only surmise that Mrs. O’Dwyer’s account not been updated at the office. Mrs. O’Clancy did most of the office clerical work and now she was on part time furlough for the foreseeable future Danny did take up Mrs. O’Dwyer’s kind offer to pay for the solvent and he accepted a cup of tea. It was while Danny drunk his tea that all the members of the youth wing of People before Profit, came up to him to say sorry. Mrs. O’Dwyer insisted that every one of them bumped elbows with Danny and apologise. The young girl who took Danny’s wallet from his jacket burst into tears and threw caution to the wind to gave Danny a big hug
“We’re so Sorry Mr. O’Bernstein. We’re so sorry!”
“Its ok girl, now stop your weeping. There’s no harm done”
One of the boys who had been looking at his phone then whispered something into Mrs. O’Dwyer’s ear and she said
“It seems that you’re about to go Vinyl Mr. O’Bernstein”
The boy then piped up and said with a voice of authority
“No Great Gran I said that Mr. O’Bernstein was about to go Viral, hashtag #MoneymanHasStickyFingers
Danny got out his phone and said
“I think I’d better go home now Mrs. O’Dwyer.”
Danny then left and went to find his car to drive home. It had been a very unusual day and he was glad to be on his way to normality again. He pulled up outside his house got out of his car and straight to his front door.
Danny was late back, a lot later than he usually was. By this time on a normal day, he would have had the dinner on and the kids would be doing their own thing. As Danny opened his front door he felt the extreme heat that coming from the kitchen and the smell of fried food. He walked into the kitchen and Patrick had a pan on every ring and the smoke detector was going wild. Little Roan was sitting at Patrick’s feet playing with his small cars and Brother Patrick was totally oblivious of any sounds, smell, smoke or a toddler playing under a hot frying pan.
Danny ran into the kitchen, he took young Roan up into his arms and walked over to the back garden door, opened it to let some air in. He then poked the smoke alarm with a broomstick to stop the noise while still holding Roan. It was then that Patrick noticed that Danny was back.
“Hello Danny Boy, how are you? Mammy couldn’t wait so she gave me a bell. And guess what! I’m free at the moment. You can’t exactly be discreet or invisible in an empty street or a socially distanced bar. Young Enja saw you on Facebook live and showed Mammy. She thought it was hilarious but mammy was worried at first. It was when mammy saw the all the police cars and the large crowd that she could really appreciate the humour of the whole situation”
Danny answered
“I’m glad that somebody was amused”
Patrick then shook his head a little and said
“Oh we all were. That’s why mammy wanted to rush home to show Da. The girl’s are upstairs I’ll give you a shout when dinner is ready”
Danny just nodded and took Roan into the front room, where they both laid down on the sofa together, to watch Cartoon Network. He was home and that was the best place to be.
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